I lost it, and maybe it's not coming back?
I stopped blogging over my holiday, and since I've been back I have had no desire to.
And my mind says it's a fail, that I didn't reach my goal of 365 days but I tell it right back that I stopped because I wanted to not because I couldn't do it.
I proved to myself I had the discipline it took to write every day.
And I'm still writing every day.
What feels blurry is the putting it out there.
I am taking stock, properly.
Wondering if what I am doing is fruitful, wondering if I am just adding to the noise.
Wondering if I am striving to elevate myself instead of the He in me; so often I feel trapped in the comparison game, on an endless cycle of seeing and wanting; wondering how they have so much, wondering how their house is so clean and their children so smart, and their husbands so romantic.
Of course it's all a lie, an alternative reality.
And last night I tossed and turned and slept uneasy and prayed in my sleep because I want off. I don't want to live my life on social media, where it's pretty and safe.
I want to live my life well, in the here and now, the way my mum did.
When her phone was attached to a wall, so she didn't spend too much time there.
Instead she was present, and she gave wholeheartedly of her life, and she wasn't sucked dry by the false realities of others.
Last night I dreamed of deleting my Instagram account, removing my blog, logging off Facebook and discovering that maybe I could be somebody without having to be a somebody.
I dreamed of an inconspicuous life, not based on pleasing followers or painting idyllic pictures of my (beautifully) flawed self and my crazy messy life.
And I don't know if that's a life I can wholeheartedly live while being here.
It's all a blur.
I know that I'm created to be creative.
And maybe sitting here typing words that flow from thoughts to fingers is an obedience to that call. Or maybe it's a distraction from a life of greater purpose and meaning.
Or maybe there is some way that I can be true to myself, and to you, those that read such rambling thoughts, and live amongst the reality of social media in a way that is as real as I possibly can.