Friday, June 6, 2014

when it's all a blur


I lost it, and maybe it's not coming back?
I stopped blogging over my holiday, and since I've been back I have had no desire to.
And my mind says it's a fail, that I didn't reach my goal of 365 days but I tell it right back that I stopped because I wanted to not because I couldn't do it.
I proved to myself I had the discipline it took to write every day.
And I'm still writing every day.

What feels blurry is the putting it out there.
I am taking stock, properly. 
Wondering if what I am doing is fruitful, wondering if I am just adding to the noise.
Wondering if I am striving to elevate myself instead of the He in me; so often I feel trapped in the comparison game, on an endless cycle of seeing and wanting; wondering how they have so much, wondering how their house is so clean and their children so smart, and their husbands so romantic.
Of course it's all a lie, an alternative reality.

And last night I tossed and turned and slept uneasy and prayed in my sleep because I want off. I don't want to live my life on social media, where it's pretty and safe.
I want to live my life well, in the here and now, the way my mum did.
When her phone was attached to a wall, so she didn't spend too much time there.
Instead she was present, and she gave wholeheartedly of her life, and she wasn't sucked dry by the false realities of others.
Last night I dreamed of deleting my Instagram account, removing my blog, logging off Facebook and discovering that maybe I could be somebody without having to be a somebody.
I dreamed of an inconspicuous life, not based on pleasing followers or painting idyllic pictures of my (beautifully) flawed self and my crazy messy life.

And I don't know if that's a life I can wholeheartedly live while being here.

It's all a blur. 
I know that I'm created to be creative. 
And maybe sitting here typing words that flow from thoughts to fingers is an obedience to that call. Or maybe it's a distraction from a life of greater purpose and meaning.
Or maybe there is some way that I can be true to myself, and to you, those that read such rambling thoughts, and live amongst the reality of social media in a way that is as real as I possibly can.

See? Blur.

xx

10 comments:

  1. Hi Em, I wish I had commented more regularly here but I thought I should tell you now how truly wonderful it is to read your "ramblings'. I think I have read all of your posts this year.
    I would not call myself religious but spiritual, yes and your writing calls to that part of me, it speaks of being a good, honest person, of admitting your faults and embracing your purpose. I believe you have a voice that will rise above the noise. I would miss it if you stopped but saying that you do not have to write or post for anybody but yourself.
    Kate xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kate, thank you. It's lovely to know that ramblings have been enjoyed and resonate somewhere in your spirit, too.
      I think I have come to a place where I will remind myself that what I write is, first and foremost, for me. And lovely people like you reading the words are just an added bonus! xxx

      Delete
  2. ha tea cup, this is One lump or two
    loved listening through the hole in the wall
    life is as swell as you can make it on a cool winters day
    been inspired by you passion and pursuit
    would tell you not to give it away but thats not my call
    and only you are the one feeling to inspire yourself or just be
    may be a dream will light the flame to take hold of the quill and dip some ink
    on that home made recycled paper we call our imaginations
    Love U heaps

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can so totally understand what you are saying. Life make so many constant demands on us and it is so important to constantly analyse which parts are Gods purpose for our lives. It is all part of our growth in faith though right? Pulling those weeds - and no-one can tell you which weeds you need to pull. Keep praying.... God will give you your answer!! I really do love you blog though - but that is totally selfish of me ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Life does make demands... and only we can decide what can take up residence, and what can stay. It's such a learning journey!
      xxx

      Delete
  4. I love reading your blog, but I have been wondering many of the same things - how to reconcile social media with being more present for my kids, with not comparing my life to other peoples. It is hard trying to harness the positives of social media while avoiding the negatives. I hope you do find a way to keep blogging - your blog so often reminds me of the important things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The comparison game is an ugly one, and so easy to get stuck in! I need to prioritise real life, and the things that fill me up emotionally and spiritually, and then the lure of social media won't be so grand! x

      Delete
  5. Such honesty and you've put it perfectly! I find the same thoughts and questions often plague my mind! I love reading your blog but in saying that, you are the one who has to love writing here! You've really got me thinking now :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really, really love writing here! I just need to learn to take a step back when I need one, and assess how much comparison is going on in my own heart - I want to be real, not polished and perfect! xx

      Delete
  6. I also love reading your blog and I find I think the same thoughts, feelings and doubts. I did learn the difficult way writing to personally on a blog and now keep things quite simple. I admire your honesty and I think you have an amazing ability in how you write, you are talented and I hope you continue to write here. Ann

    ReplyDelete

I love that you visited, and love LOVE that you took time to say hello!