One summer, my dad was called away to Russia for work. When you live on the West coast of Australia (in a little seaside town), in the most isolated city, Moscow is a whole world away.
I remember being a teenager (okay maybe young adult) and very early on the morning my Dad was to leave for the airport, I ran up to him and begged that he bring me a Russian doll home.
Legend states that each of these dolls have many smaller versions of ourselves within them. Each doll representing the seed of generation that each of us as women carry within us.
I have never been more aware of this as I am today, (26 weeks pregnant with my second child, a little girl). I am awakened to the fact that she holds the potential to future women in my family within her tiny frame and the lineage continues on.
Woman to girl, little girl, to tiny newborn baby.
I have always been someone who attempts and is drawn to outrageously brave things. Dreaming of writing a book, okay let’s do it (link here: http://capture30days.com/product/capture-30-days-of-inspiration-ebook/), Travelling to the middle east as a 20 year old by myself, check, Leading groups of people into slums in Asia, bucket list item tick!
Despite all this, I have never been more filled with fear and doubt about anything since I embarked upon the journey of motherhood.
Reading about Em’s struggle here with doubt (link here http://www.teacupstoo.blogspot.com.au/2014/04/105365-tea-with-me-makes-me-brave.html) I wholeheartedly agreed saying ‘Me too!’
Motherhood has bought with it so much doubt, questions, confusion, isolation, comparison and fear.
Just like the Matryoshka doll with layers of women making up our heritage of love, the doll also represents fear and questions that are handed down from generation to generation.
I often find myself doing things, I promised myself I never would.
There is a predisposed condition towards fear and shame, that fights against my desire for courage and authenticity.
Every Matryoshka doll is made from the same piece of wood, because the wood expands and retracts at the same rate and makes the separate elements breathe together through different seasons.
Just like us.
I am made by the same wood as my mother, her mother and my great grandmother, yet we have different unique elements and beauty.
I find myself wondering ‘What can I learn from the women who have gone before me?’ Negative and positive, but not pull away from the essence that I am not alone and many who have gone before me have experienced these same feelings of lack.
Brene Brown has been a huge part of my writing and reading lately and she has a motherhood manifesto that in essence says this…
‘Letting go of the mother you think you're supposed to be and embracing the one you already are’
I think the bravest act we can do today, is take time to embrace who we already are.
I have been listening to a song over and over in the last week called Beneath your Beautiful (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqIxCtEveG8 ) by Labrinth.
You've carried on so long,
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I'm gonna try.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?
Being brave with that which is ugly, layer upon layer and allowing the closest people into our worlds inside those deep places, is vulnerable yes, but has the capacity to set us free.
Let’s see what’s beneath our beautiful…