This week has been tough.
I found myself gasping, in almost-panic numerous times.
Our Indiecat came home with an open wound. Gasp. Almost-panic.
Two surgeries and astronomical vet bills later. Gasp. Almost-panic.
Savings we thought we had were non-existent. Gasp. Almost-panic.
Money we thought we had paid, we actually hadn't. A lot of money.
A sick Joel, with fevers, and sores in his mouth, and not-helping-medicine, and not getting any better. Gasp. Sharp breath in.
It is so easy, and so natural to give over to the panic. Give over to the worry, the anxiety.
The fear that we won't have enough.
As a little girl, I would overhear conversations between my parents about money. Conversations my little mind didn't fully understand, but ones that made me fear we didn't have enough. Not wanting to be a burden, I would choose the cheapest ice-creams. I would decline the extra treats. Not realising that I actually had nothing to worry about. That my dad had it covered, that he would provide and we had more than enough.
Now, it's the same.
But I know better than to worry.
I remind myself that my Father has it covered.
I take a deep breath, and breathe out my cares to Him in (sometimes panicked) whisper.
And I hope for strength. Not "the grim strength of gritting my teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is a strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us". *
Because the bright and beautiful wouldn't be so, without enduring the hard times.
And the bright and beautiful occurs amidst the hard times.
The cuddles from a seven year old who crept into bed, laid his head on my chest and fell asleep. That same seven year old who doesn't hold my hand so much in public anymore.
The quiet days at home after a cleared schedule, to keep him home from school.
The time to bake a batch of shortbread, and make purple play dough for his sisters.
The excuse to have ice-creams for his sore throat and mouth.
Sunny days that dry my washing, and husband who is happy enough with toasties for tea.
The bright and beautiful exists and I am thankful for the strength I have to partake.
* Colossians 1:9-12 MSG