Monday, February 4, 2013

first days

I remember my first day of grade one. 
I sat tall at the desk already labeled with my name: Emma-Lee. 
I remember looking at the names either side. Michael on one side, Matthew on the other.
I remember my mum, standing there, and I remember, clearly, saying,
"It's okay mum, you can go now"
I couldn't wait to get started.

Joel is so much like this. We had trouble finding his class this morning, loaded with boxes of stationery, a pram, and a two year old who insisted on walking then whined to be picked up. It didn't bother him in the slightest. He entered his new class with so much confidence that even I didn't fail to notice, despite juggling said two year old and stationery boxes.
He found a place to sit, found a chair, found a friend, settled in and said, 
"Bye mum!"
I hope he doesn't loose that confidence the way I did.

Somewhere along the road I must have realised what disappointment felt like, what hurt felt like, and felt the sting of insecurity and the longing to be accepted. 
Because I don't remember ever feeling as confident as I did in that first grade.
Then so unaware of the what if's.
What if no one sits next to me? What if I don't have a friend? What if what I'm wearing is wrong? What if I get teased? What if my best friend doesn't want to be my best friend anymore?

So I knew how Eden must have been feeling. Because she's sensitive, and shy, and takes a long time to warm to people she doesn't know.
And even though she had the familiarity of a good little friend, she still clung onto my leg when the siren went, and refused to be distracted by the puzzles, or the books, or the home corner.
And I put on my bravest face, and smiled and told her how much fun she would have, now that she was a big pre-primary girl. And she still needed the teacher to pry her arms from around my thigh, with promises of "you can be my special helper".
I cringed as I walked out, expecting the worst. 
But as I made the possible mistake of glancing back, I realised she had been successfully distracted, and there were no tears.

Then there was just Amie and I. 
And we busied ourselves with running errands (whilst drinking babycino's), and a visit to the library, and tidying the house and realising blissfully, that it would stay tidy. 
At least until 3pm.

And after school the Mr Popular was already off on a playdate, while the girls grabbed their dolls, and prams and continued the never-ending game of "mum's and babies".
Of course for Eden, stripping down to knickers to play on the swing set relieved all of todays pressures. And hopefully prepared her for tomorrow.


P.S. - How's Thursday for a 'tea with me' link up? I'll give you some more details before then.
I hope all of your schoolies went with happy hearts today, and that you beautiful mamas find a gentle rhythm this term. x

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