Thursday, July 19, 2012

winter dreaming




I've been a little absent from this space lately. 
I've felt neither the urge, nor the duty, nor the inspiration.


I want to share with you part of a journal entry from the end of last month.


"I've been rather pathetic lately.
Doubting myself; God.
Disillusioned.
For no reason, and then for a million.
I have been distracting myself with shallow things, immersing myself with craft, and not allowing my thoughts to rest on any of that discouragement. All the while wallowing in a general feeling of frustration and despair. 
It's not something I've been verbal about. Mainly because I've not been able to pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling and why."


Don't get me wrong. I've not been depressed, and all this wallowing has been been mostly internal.
A nagging feeling I am not living to capacity. Dreams unrealised, unfulfilled. 


A freak-out at approaching 30, and not having done the things I had always planned.


The realisation that I've been full-time-mothering for over 6 years.




A desire to do more, be more. 


This statement, from my husband, the same week as the above journal entry provided me with what I needed. To lift me from my wallowing.
From the husband of mine who, as much as I know cares about me, mostly communicates this care in his provision (and a few grunts and man-noises) and not always in the "words of affirmation" his wife craves.
As we chatted, finally, and I expressed my fears, he cuddled the pathetic, tear stained little me, and said, "I'll help you live your dreams".


It lifted me. 
The promise of help, of teamwork, of a marriage of partnership.
But more than that even, the acknowledgement of my own dreams.
He saw that, above housemaid, and cook, and mother and wife; the me.
That tiny part of me that is still me when all that is taken away.
And that she, me, has dreams I'm trying to piece together, and without him, may never fully be realised. 


With the encouragement of this amazing husband, and after sitting in that place, with my tea and my journal, and the Light to my Path, I've done something I've dreamed of for a long time. 


I'll fill you in on the details when I know for sure what they are!


xx







5 comments:

  1. Oh! That is true love right there- "I'll help you live your dreams." Marriage as He intended xoxox

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  2. that is the sweetest Em! I ALMOST teared up!
    Aren't we lucky to have men that SEE us.
    Chris is pretty simialr with his grunts ect. but I know he is the only one who still see's me as the girl I was and the woman I am and the one I am becoming. Sometimes he see's my dreams before I do and knows I can 'do it' before I know it. Is nice having a quiet champion on the sidelines huh?!

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  3. So beautiful to read, can relate but am a decade ahead of you (!!) Live your dreams.........what a precious partner xx

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  4. Love this. Intrigued to know more. You must be excited!!!

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  5. i'm so curious! and grateful & happy that you are entering a new space. lots of love to you, sweet lady. xo

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