Tuesday, March 22, 2011

[we have all we want]

The Cambodia trip is over! My husband is home, my world has been set right again!
We are, us five, under the same roof once more.
I have finally dragged myself away from his side, and let him sleep, after his long journey home. That saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is definitely a true one!
I feel giddy, and lovesick, and a bit first-love-ish... and I have followed him around all morning. Actually we all have - I'm sure even Baby A, if she could crawl, would have too - she compromised by giving him the most delightful smiles and laughs, from her sitting position on the floor.

I have heard some of the stories, seen some of the photos, and scrutinized him to see if it was true, what everyone has said, that he is going to be different when he returns. I always nodded and smiled, but never knew what they really meant by 'different'. I am sure over the coming months, I will see that 'different' in him. I'll see that something in him is enlarged, changed, grown... Right now though, I will enjoy the same gorgeous, fun, wild, funny husband that he is - and listen to him snoring away!

And me? I think I changed a little too. And in the same way, the coming months will reveal a strength, and inner confidence, not in myself, but in the One I had to rely on while my man was away. Really rely.


rely  (rɪˈlaɪ) [Click for IPA pronunciation guide]
— vb  , -lies -lying -lied
1.to be dependent (on): he relies on his charm
2.to have trust or confidence (in): you can rely on us


I had no choice. I had to depend, have trust AND confidence. There was no pushing the emotions aside, jamming them deep down, with the thought that 'He'll be home in a couple of hours, and I'll be distracted from it all, and be okay'.
There was no grabbing and grasping at my husband's lifting words of encouragement and affirmation - because they weren't there, and neither was he.
And suddenly the truth that I'd always quietly known was staring me in the face. I used my husband for things that I shouldn't. For fulfillment that ultimately he shouldn't be required to give.

Some stuff that was inside made it's way up to the surface, and despite the fact that I refused to look at it, at least for a few days, it had to be dealt with. And is still being dealt with.
Relinquishing control. It's terrifying. But by holding on, what am I saying? That I don't trust Him enough to look after me? How wrong! How faithless!

Then I go back to that fundamental truth that "...faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God" (Romans 10:17)
How big my faith grows when I'm feeding it the Word, listening to His voice.
And how quickly it dwindles when I am listening to the opposite. When I let doubts enter; my own, and those voiced by others. Let one in, and all of a sudden I am overrun. Pounded with them like continuing waves, coming too close together to lift my head and gasp a breath of air, before the next one hits.
All of a sudden I am reliving those years in my life when anxiety had it's deathly grasp. The ache, my knotted stomach, all too familiar, even though it had been years. The pounding beat of my heart, tightness in my chest, blood pounding in my ears... I was reminded how easily I can slip.

Who am I listening to?
I cried out for perspective. And He showed me 1 Peter 3:3-6 in the Amplified Bible:


3Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] [a] interweaving and knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes;
    4But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
    5For it was thus that the pious women of old who hoped in God were [accustomed] to beautify themselves and were submissive to their husbands [adapting themselves to them as themselves secondary and dependent upon them].
    6It was thus that Sarah obeyed Abraham [following his guidance and acknowledging his headship over her by] calling him lord (master, leader, authority). And you are now her true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].


The Lifter of my head. My shield. (Psalm 3:3) 
The One who stills the raging of the sea (Ps 89:9)


"I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me" Psalm 3:4-5

Who am I listening to? Where will I place my faith?

CS Lewis, in 'The Problem of Pain' puts it all much better than I could:

"If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us. Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We "have all we want" is a terrible saying when "all" does not include God. We find God an interruption. As St. Augustine says somewhere, "God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full - there's nowhere for Him to put it." Or as a friend of mine said, "We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it." Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call "our own life" remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make "our own life" less agreeable to us and take away the plausible source of false happiness?"

xx





4 comments:

  1. Love how real you are!
    Ain't no doubt about the God you serve....
    Thank-you Em really mean it <3

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  2. (note sure about the calling your husband Lord bit hehehe)

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  3. Refreshingly honest and true!!
    Xx

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  4. So real. So true. So God. So you! Love it all you amazing girl xx

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