Saturday, January 29, 2011

salt and light

I battle with voices in my head. Don't hold it against me!

Sometimes I let the still, small voice rule over the others, and drown them out.
Often, I forget to listen to that one, I am too busy arguing with the others.
They often get shouty.

I walked past some fabric I had yet to put away, and no sooner could I finish the thought, "I really need to start using that fabric and make some pretty things..." that I heard another, meaner thought: "You actually think you can sew?!"
Which took me down a long, winding dialogue with these mean thoughts, that left me questioning.
Questioning not just my amateur sewing abilities (and the thought, "Who do I think I am, even owning a sewing machine?!") but questioning, doubting everything that makes me, me!
You actually think you can write/sew/mother/love/be a good friend/(insert 100 other insecurities here)?!
It left me shrinking back. Wanting to stay in my little Hobbit-hole.
Who do I think I am even thinking I can pastor or lead. Befriend?! No way! I don't know how to do that!
I never know what to say, and when I do open my mouth I never say the right thing, or the cool thing.
I am not suave, cool, calm or collected! I often freak out inside, meeting new people. Wondering if my mouth will work, if I'll remember to ask questions about them instead of dribble on about me, just to fill in that horrible space in the air that seems to linger around me awkwardly.
I am boring. I am geeky...
But hang on, I'm letting that mean voice reign.
And over those voices, even when they are shouty, I can tell myself:

I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14) - I am bright. Like moths drawn to a light in the dark, people are drawn to people who carry this light. The light is not me. It is Who is within me. And people are drawn to the light I carry.
I am like salt (Matthew 5:13). I add flavour. Like salt, when added to a meal, it's flavours are enhanced. When you add me to the mix, and He in me, others are enhanced.
When I meditate on these things, and other promises, my walking gets bigger. I get smaller, and He gets bigger in me. I get brave... I can step out of the Hobbit-hole and start the adventure.
HE is my strength. HE is my refuge.
And if I am a fool? It's for Him!

xx



5 comments:

  1. Oh Em...I found myself nodding through the entire first paragraph and agreeing with everything you said but about myself....however that second paragraph really resonated with me also, because if my inner strength talks above that mean voice it drowns it out and lets the true me shine through.
    I am so drawn to your words as I can really identify with them.
    Don't be afraid to let your light shine, you are a wonderful women
    xx

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  2. ok now you are starting to scare me... I was just contemplating my own blog post today called "the imposter in my head" so you are definitely not alone in these feelings. You put things so much more eloquently than me though so I'm pleased you wrote it.
    Anyway - you know what I have to say to those mean shouty voices. Go reread my old email to you, get some warm fuzzies and go encourage that small voice of sense!! Luv ya xx

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  3. I'm with ya girl, on all of the above!!!
    and you definitely add flavour, light and style wherever you go. I love you and I love who is on the inside of you that allows you to preserve & enhance in only a way that you can:) xx

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  4. Kat - by far my most favourite email ever! ;) Proof of the value of a friend's encouragement!
    Thank you Tammi!! Isn't it silly that we even listen to those voices?!
    Peachy pie, you are much loved back! x

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  5. in spite of the voices I got going on & the several comment re-writes I've just done :-/, I really want to say the part about "add me...others will be enhanced" was a real encouragement, that makes me want to get bigger & stronger!

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